Teach Kids to Use Their Brains and Not Their Fists

This is the story of two teenagers. “Bill” is 14. “Ted” is 15. Both had similar life experiences. Both dealt with rejection and death in their families. Both felt victimized in a number of ways. Their experiences left both feeling hypersensitive and vulnerable. Both happened to be at the same place at the same time.

Bill was talking on the phone, while Ted was sitting near by. Ted was doing the slow boil, frustrated at how noisy Bill was, yucking it up with his buddy on the phone. Finally, Ted yelled at Bill and told him to go somewhere else to talk. Bill told Ted to back off; he can do anything he wants. He added that at least he had friends to talk to. Seconds later, Ted threw a punch at Bill.

Then adults had to get involved. Why would Ted hit Bill over a loud phone call? Ted’s answer: I couldn’t help it – it was just an instinct that took over.

Well, we all have instincts, but we also have brains. When we don’t use our brains in response to conflict or other situations, we may have a problem with “impulse control.” Everyone has triggers or hot buttons that can be pushed, leading to irrational actions or responses. For one it might be something a spouse says or does; for another it could be confrontation with authority.

All of us need to take three basic steps when dealing with these kinds of conflict issues:

1)  Look at the other person not as a problem – but as a real person;

2)  Keeping the other person in mind, try to look at what’s really going on and a  way to reduce or stop the problem; and

3)  Don’t make choices that create new problems (punching Bill didn’t solve anything – it just created a bigger problem)

Each of us has to learn to think through our responses before making them. The challenge is that we’ve entered into a proliferation of what is called “zero tolerance” environments not only in the classroom, but also at home. We live in a world that can be volatile and dangerous, necessitating these strict rules and consequences. Unfortunately, this approach can also reduce one’s ability to learn alternatives to inappropriate behavior.

Now don’t get me wrong: Ted’s assault on Bill mandates a strong response. But I think the incident may have been in part a culmination of many years of “zero problem” supervision. Parents and other adults can sometimes be so problem-averse that they don’t allow youths to learn and take reasonable risks. Many times I see youths making bad decisions primarily because they’ve never been given the opportunity to make meaningful decisions in the first place.

The challenge is where to draw the line. Allowing too much risk can be dangerous and reckless; but allowing too little risk can lead to the same kinds of problems. We adults can help by taking advantage of every opportunity to not just set limits but to also talk about everyday events and how to manage conflict and frustration. Ted and Bill, with some help from the adults, were able to work things out. Hopefully next time they’ll think before acting.

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Crossroads for Youth provides troubled children a supportive, positive environment in which they learn how to succeed in life. The organization teaches them self-discipline, responsibility and respect by offering a range of experiences. All of CFY’s programs incorporate academics, vocational training, individual and family counseling, community service and adventure therapy, as well as aftercare.

For more information about Crossroads for Youth contact our Director of Development and Agency Relations at 248-628-2561, ext. 250, email us at info@crossroadsforyouth.org or visit our Web site at www.crossroadsforyouth.org.